A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.