*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection