Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
hi why am I like this
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.