A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.