I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
You Might Also Like
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.