I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”