Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
You Might Also Like
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I hope this email punches you square in the face
A French press is when you hug naked
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
getting corrected
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education