My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.