plant them where lol
You Might Also Like
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Said the murderer.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him