I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.