NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.