Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Meow
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.