When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development