I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?