America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
groan^2
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.