Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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pat pat
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…