“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Wise advice
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.