When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
You Might Also Like
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
So, can we agree on 4 or
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this