My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.