Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My dress code is business-casualty.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”