Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Sunday
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.