sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
And they lived apathetically ever after.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.