i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain鈥檛 gonna happen.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can鈥檛 figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
literally writing this tweet because my dad鈥檚 gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn鈥檛 take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you鈥檙e out there, I鈥檓 sorry I鈥檝e been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don鈥檛 have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Secret hideout busted…馃悎馃惥馃槀馃槀
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what鈥檚 your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh鈥oja
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses