There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.