My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder