People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
There is no “we” in pizza
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”