No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?