excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Breaking news:
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
There is wisdom there.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist