If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity