Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence