My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I support this random dude and all his protests
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sign at work today
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping