Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
So true for me
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
PLEASE READ
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.