Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now