My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well