I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.