The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.