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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
It’s an epidemic…
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Dance like you’re not the father
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.