Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.