My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Sign of the day..
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.