If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My love language is hissing.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”