No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.