PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!