Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.