me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
mariah carrie
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
any last words?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.