I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.