You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
The Others (2001)
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?