ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
You Might Also Like
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch