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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up