Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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how to have fun when you鈥檙e poor
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn鈥檛 stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn鈥檛 actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I can鈥檛 wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there鈥檚 a highway running through my living room.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he鈥檚 expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’ve reached that age where I don鈥檛 have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.