Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.